Darwin Deez

so my parents taught me not to say “fine…” in answering this question, as a child. we were taught to say “good” instead. so that was my default for many years. never say fine, always say good. and i understood the rationale for that. the way a child says “fine” smacks of a lack of appreciation for being asked; i could see the slight ignorance and rudeness that they saw in the response. i always got that part of it. mastering pleasantries is everything, lol. it actually is.

so there came a time in my life more recently when i wanted to answer the question more truthfully, more sincerely, and without being a downer. sometimes i felt down and wanted to have a way—a phrase—to acknowledge and express that down-ness without it eclipsing the expression of gratitude that is naturally encoded into a positive response such as “good” or “very well, thank you.” what i came up with that worked for me was “i’m hangin’ in there.” it’s both upbeat and capable of alluding to suffering and/or depth. someone whose child has just died could conceivably respond in this manner without being untruthful to his/her inner state. so i liked that about it.

now then, what happened to change my position on this? why did “hangin’ in there” stop working for me? i’m not remembering right away. it may have been that i was recently very close to a lot of suicidal thoughts such that whether i was truly “hangin’ in there” was really questionable. i mean, if i feel i am going to possibly kill myself within a few days, and i’m aware of it, then “hangin’ in there” really stops being a truthful response (and starts being an eerie foreshadow entendre). and i want to represent the truth in my pleasantries. why should i lie for you? you don’t want that; i don’t want that. if i’m going to die from depression, i’ll be damned but i will speak my goddamn truth to anyone who takes the time to ask me how the fuck i am! 

so maybe it started as that. but more recently i’ve found that the truth is that i really don’t have any words for how i am. or how my day was or is. i just have no words. nor do i need any. i’m supposed to answer your question by describing my state/day, is that true? i need to give you an answer—even if i have none—just because you asked, is that really true? 

so i have no words, and yet i am usually grateful to be asked, to be cared for in that way, invited to share my feelings, and i love to ask others. for now my answer goes something like this (when asked by someone that i care about): how are you? “i am not really answering that question lately but i am grateful to be asked by you.” or, “i’m happy to be asked that by you in particular! what are you up to/thinking about?” 

but i’ve found that my truth lately is that i have no interest in labeling my day or state of being with words. nor even the ability to accurately label. is that boredom you’re feeling or peace? was your day thrilling or horrifying? you think that’s anxiety you’re feeling? or is it actually the kind of pleasurable exhilaration you feel on a rollercoaster? i have no interest in choosing a label for my feelings, not for my sake nor yours. now how can i explain why that is? i know it has to do with byron katie. it would appear to be pretentious and/or obstinate on my part, but it is really not that. although i do enjoy lots of pretentious things. and i am often obstinate. but i also just really want to give me (and you) the truth. 

how was my day? it WAS. how am i? indeed, i AM. that’s really all i know. katie’s trip is all about recognizing reality and distinguishing it from our stories about it. to answer with a label is to superimpose yet another story on the inner and outer reality of the day. the reality is indescribable on some level. we know it, yet we can’t explain it to you or even to ourselves. 

how am i? “i don’t know,” except that i do know. i know, but i can’t explain it. how am i? i’m here, hearing that; i’m present in your asking of that. i really have nothing else to say except thank you for asking me, and how are you?

“but you didn’t answer my question!” i love you, and i have no answer.

UPDATE: apparently sometimes i just say i’m chillin’ to keep the conversation movin’, and sometimes I am fantastic and sometimes I still do this not-answering thing because it feels the best. ttyl bye